We had a couple here last week who came to us saying they wanted more intimacy in their relationship. In their first sessions that they did separately (apart from each other), both of them admitted that they weren’t being honest with their partner about what was going on with them.
When their separate practitioners spoke with them about it, they each said the same thing: “I’m afraid she’ll/he’ll leave me.”. “I can’t be honest: he/she will be upset and won’t understand”.
In their individual sessions, we worked through where this came from. For her, she had grown up in a family where her father was having an affair, her mother knew about, but no one talked about it, because everyone was afraid of upsetting the apple cart.
For him, his mother had a very volatile personality. Every time his father said anything even close to the truth, his mother “went ballistic”. His father never felt safe telling his mother the truth. Likewise, he never felt safe telling his wife the truth.
In their emotional clearing sessions and breathwork sessions (which they did separately), they worked through these emotional blocks which had been there for so many years. Both of them said they felt so freed up, having all that gone.
When they came back together in their next couples sessions, they both freely (and with love) told the other how they were feeling about everything. And guess what? They had a huge emotional breakthrough with each other, they both feel the marriage is on a new foothold and they even did a ceremony at the end to renew their marriage vows.
Both of them were amazed at what happened. Rather, than signaling the end, the honesty brought them closer together than ever. Both of them knew that something wasn’t right, they both had that feeling. The “truth” for each of them turned out to be much less awful than they thought it was going to be. In fact, it turned everything around.
She told me later, “I thought this would be the end of our marriage, if he knew how I was really feeling. Now I really believe we’ll be together forever, plus we have the tools to deal with each other honestly moving forward.”
And that, of course, is the key. As someone who was a divorce attorney for 20 years and who now does so much work with couples, I can tell you the fastest, quickest, most efficient and surest way to have the relationship of your dreams (and this is true of couples or friends or relatives, any relationship of any type) is to be honest. You be honest and allow the other person to be honest.
It’s amazing to me how many people respond to this with – “I can’t be honest, if I was honest, he/she would leave me (or be angry with me, or would never understand or I’ll hurt them”, everyone’s got a story about why they can’t be honest). If you had that response, I will tell you my friend, unless and until you figure out a way to be honest with your partner (or your friend, or your parents, or your siblings, etc.), the relationship is doomed to failure. It may take awhile, it may die a slow, agonizing death, but it will die.
As John Bradshaw said so often in his work, “our dysfunction is as big as our secrets”.
And stop telling yourself that what you’re doing is telling little white lies. There is no such thing as a white lie, there are only lies. Period.
Allowing the other person to be honest and taking them off the hook. So if you say you want a good relationship, then that means you’re going to have to be honest AND you’re going to have to allow the other person to be honest. I’m sure many of you are telling yourself that you always allow the other person to be honest, but do you really? Honestly?
What happens when they even start to broach something that they know is going to be sensitive to you? Do you immediately have a reaction? Do you immediately get upset? Do you have an automatic reaction when it comes to certain things (what your partner “should” be doing, how they “should” be behaving, what they “should” be interested in, aware of, talking about, etc.). If you find yourself using the word “should” a lot (or thinking it), you’ve got yourself a problem.
It won’t be possible for your mate (or partner, or friend, or child, etc.) to be honest with you if you can’t provide a safe place where they can be honest with you. If they know they’re going to get blasted, guess what they do? They shut up. And who’s fault is that? Both of you, but you can only take responsibility for your part in this, not theirs.
The only way to allow them to safely be honest with you, is if you make a decision to take them off the hook for what’s going on. If you truly want them to be honest with you, it can only be done in the space of love, not the space of judgment.
There are many areas where judgment will be automatic and where you will be telling yourself, of course I must be angry/upset/not okay with this. Realize that I’m not talking about condoning or encouraging hurtful behavior. I’m talking about giving your partner the space to open up to you.
Sometimes after everything that’s gone on in a relationship, it’s not possible to simply start being honest with each other. Sometimes you need help. That’s when doing a Couples Retreat can be so perfect. It gives you the perfect setting to truly open to each other in a safe and caring environment with practitioners who know how to facilitate this in a loving way. Plus, you’ll leave with tools to continue to do this in your day to day life.
Contact us and speak to one of our Angel Guides (they’re the ones who will design your retreat). They’ll connect with you (or both of you if it’s a couples retreat) and get to the root of what’s happening. Then they’ll custom design your retreat of private sessions that will bring you into the relationship you’re craving.
Click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. Or if you’d prefer, call us toll free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. And remember, we’re even here for you on Sunday!
Wishing you a week filled with honesty,
Debra Stangl / Founder
Sedona Soul Adventures – Transforming Lives One Soul At A Time
“Our 12 year marriage was saved by Sedona Soul Adventures”
“After months of marriage counseling the “D” word was coming up more and more. After our Soul Adventure, our relationship is renewed, passionate, and loving. We are connected more than the day we married back 12 years ago. Our communication is better than ever, and our romance is better than ever. Our marriage is safe, and there is no turning back. Thank you to your entire team of loving and talented individuals for all you do.”
Frank & Valerie Farmington
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