Why do 67% of 2nd marriages fail? 74% for 3rd marriages
I think that most people are aware of the statistic that in the US, 50% of marriages fail. What most people don’t realize, is that is the statistic for first marriages.
What’s really astounding is that in the US, 67% of 2nd marriages fail.
When you look at 3rd marriages, it’s a whopping 74%.
Articles about this discuss different reasons, such as it’s difficult to bring together blended families in second marriages, oftentimes there are additional financial burdens because of obligations owed to the first marriage and there’s not the same commitment if you don’t have children together. I agree, those things absolutely contribute, but I don’t think that’s the real reason.
Many of you know that I was a divorce attorney for over 20 years in Omaha, Nebraska. Over that 20 year time period, I had a number of clients for whom I did 3 divorces.
The reasons became very clear to me. The same person (my client) was marrying the same person over and over again, the new spouse just had a different name. They had a different name, but they had the same issues. They were never doing anything to change the dynamic. They were bringing the same issues to each of the marriages, whether it was #1, #2 or #3.
People with abandonment issues kept marrying people who would ultimately abandon them.
Women with demanding, controlling fathers who were emotionally unavailable would marry men who were demanding and controlling and emotionally unavailable.
Men with unloving mothers kept marrying women who they felt just didn’t love them enough.
People who grew up in homes where there was addiction and abuse (alcohol, drugs, physical, emotional) would marry people who were addicted and abusive.
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we don’t do anything to deal with the issues, we keep bringing them into the next relationship. And we keep bringing in people who bring those issues up, so that they can be healed.
When two unhealed people come together, the results can be catastrophic and deeply painful. But the really great news about all this is that if you do something to change the dynamic and deal with the issues, you can transform your relationships. How fantastic is that?
For the past 14 years (through Sedona Soul Adventures), I’ve worked to help couples stay together. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that after spending 20 years divorcing people, I’ve now spent 14 years trying to help them heal.
One of the most important parts of what we do with our couples retreats is that we focus on each individual and then we focus on how these 2 individuals come together as a couple. The blocks and gunk and disconnection that are happening for one person are different from the blocks and gunk and disconnection that are happening for the other person. And until you deal with those, you’ve got 2 unhealed people. So in our couples retreats, each individual does their own sessions to deal with their own issues. Then we have them do sessions together, bringing the healing of each individual into their healing as a couple.
The results are astounding. We just had a couple come last month who did their retreat as a last resort. In actuality, the wife had already decided she wanted to end the marriage and was initially planning to come to do an individual retreat. Then she agreed to do the couples retreat, but her plan was to use it to end the marriage in a way where they weren’t hating each other. Instead, after their very first session, all that got completely turned around.
When she did her Emotional Clearing and Repatterning session (separately), she saw how deeply she actually loved her husband and cleared out huge amounts of anger and resentment that she was holding with him.
In his clearing session, he finally dealt with the abuse he had endured as a child. He said, “I realized I was never loved and this made me feel that no one could ever love me”. He saw how he was (unintentionally) pushing his wife away.
They did their first couple’s session together and both of them were more honest with each other than they ever had been. They realized they really loved each other, but they were wary about whether or not it was too late to make it work.
They then did a Soul Healing and a Core Belief Transformation, separately. More gunk was cleared out. They each saw how they had contributed to the problems. They both said they were completely blown away at how much hurt and anguish got washed away in those sessions. He said he left the Soul Healing feeling full of love for himself and his wife. And they each received tools so that they could deal with issues after they got home.
They did an Enneagram session together and realized how their individual types were causing so much friction, especially in their communication. But the best part was, they each learned what the other one needed and they both could really hear it.
The highlight for both of them was their Breath session, which they did separately. Her heart came completely open and she said “I remembered how much I love him and how much I wanted to feel that with him again. I felt such love for him and I realized in that moment that I did want to be with him and make this all work!”
His breath session was equally powerful. After some initial clearing that was very emotional, he said he suddenly saw his inner child and felt like he had had a rebirth. He said, “I saw him smile at me for the first time. All of a sudden he became part of me and I felt full… no longer alone! I felt so peaceful and calm.”
After all that wonderful work, they had a blissful couples massage!
And then on their last day, they did a 4 hour couples session, bringing it all together. Really connecting their hearts and as they said, “marrying their masculine and feminine and making a new commitment to each other and their new life”.
In their final Integration session, they reviewed everything they had learned and committed to using the new tools they had been taught. They said, “Before our Soul Adventure, we were lost and desperate – it was truly a last resort. Our Soul Adventure was 1,000 times more than we thought it would be… Everyone should have a Soul Adventure and every single one of you will be invited to our 25th Wedding Anniversary!”
When their Angel Guide (the person who worked with them and custom designed their retreat) found out what had happened, she wrote me an email that said “Okay now I am just going to go lay down and cry. This IS the MAGIC and POWER of what we do.” Even though we’re used to miracles, when one this big happens, it truly is amazing. And I love it that even after 14 years and all these thousands of people, I still get amazed.
If you’re in a marriage that’s not working, you need to do something about it. And getting a divorce and marrying someone else is NOT the answer. The statistics say it all — you have a much better chance that you’re going to get a divorce the second (or third) time around. It’s not about changing your spouse, it’s about you changing yourself and your spouse changing themselves so that you can have a changed relationship. If you keep on doing the same thing, you’re going to keep on getting the same thing. It’s that simple.
If you’re ready to have things be different, if you’re ready to remember why you fell in love with each other and if you want to feel that way again, please come to Sedona. Connect with us and connect with one of our Angel Guides. They’ll speak with both of you separately and really get at the heart of what’s going on with each of you and with your relationship. The Angel Guide session is for you, there is no cost and no obligation. Many people tell us they feel a lot better just talking with the Angel Guide, because they start to feel like there’s hope.
Click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. Or if you’d prefer, call us toll free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. And remember, we’re even here for you on Sundays!
Wishing you a week filled with amazement,
Debra Stangl / Founder
Sedona Soul Adventures – Transforming Lives One Soul At A Time
Download your free Guide “The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats”
Do you have questions? Download your free Guide and see how a Sedona Soul Adventures Couples Retreat can bring you into the relationship of your dreams. Click here