How to change a difficult family member
How would you like to spend Christmas with this bunch? Especially the guy on the end who has a bottle of bourbon in front of him?
We all seem to have difficult people in our lives. The ones you just can’t seem to get along with, the ones that no matter what you do, your interactions are unpleasant or worse. If it’s a family member, you’re forced to be with them during the holidays and you can already feel yourself gearing up for what you know is going to be unpleasant, not fun and the opposite of how you want to feel, which is happy, joyful and full of Christmas cheer (not the kind in a bottle!).
Not too long ago a woman came to us for a Soul Adventure telling us that she simply couldn’t live with her husband anymore. She said he was driving her crazy, didn’t appreciate anything she did, was constantly criticizing her and never doing anything to express his love for her or to do anything to help her. He had shut down and they weren’t communicating, and when they were communicating, she felt like he wasn’t truthful with her. She wanted to do the retreat to recenter, and gather her strength so that she could leave the marriage.
Instead, something else happened.
And a few weeks after she got home she reported “It’s a miracle. It’s like he’s a completely different person. It’s almost unbelievable.”
What happened? What caused her husband to change? It’s simple – she changed.
How did that happen? During her retreat, she was able to really get it that everything she was complaining about was something that she was doing to him. She was stunned. She realized she was driving him crazy, she didn’t appreciate anything he did, she was constantly criticizing him and never doing anything to express her love or to help him. She realized that she had shut down also and neither of them were communicating with each other, and when they were communicating there were many times she wasn’t completely honest with him, because she wasn’t telling him how she was truly feeling.
Digging a little deeper, we discovered that she was mirroring her own parents’ relationship. Her mother didn’t appreciate her father, was constantly criticizing him, they never expressed their love for each other and there would be long stretches of time where she would give him “the silent treatment”, just like she was doing with her husband.
She had also had a difficult relationship with her mother who she felt never really loved her. She realized how much she was trying to get the love she never got from her mother from her husband. She was shocked to remember that her mother kept secrets from her father and engaged her in that conspiracy, and she was doing the same thing with one of her daughters, setting up this Us vs. Him dynamic.
In her sessions, all that got changed around. In her Core Belief Transformation, she was able to go into compassion for her mother and for her husband and for herself. She was able to let go of the belief “I’m not lovable”. She was able to see that her husband truly does love her. She was able to see how her lack of self love was preventing her from giving and receiving love to and from her husband.
But it was her Clarity in Relationships session that really nailed it for her. She discovered how she was projecting all over her husband. When they reached the turn-around phase of the session, she was absolutely dumbfounded. She saw the truth that it wasn’t him, it was her – the results of her wounds, her pain and the negative beliefs she’d been holding. And the best part is, it wasn’t us telling her all this, it was her coming to that understanding completely on her own. That’s one of the magical pieces of what we are able to do here.
In her Breath Journey, her mother (who had passed away many years ago), came to her in a vision. She came up to her, looked deeply into her eyes and hugged her. Nothing was said, but she felt this overwhelming love from her mother, unlike anything she had ever felt before. It completely filled up the empty hole that had always been there. She told me later “feeling all this love from my mother, somehow made me start feeling all this love for myself and for my husband and for my children and really, for everyone!”
In her final Integration session (where we map out a plan for integrating all the awarenesses and implementing all the tools you’ve received), she made the commitment to herself that she was going to maintain all this. Not only was she not going to leave the marriage, she realized how much she loved her husband and how much she wanted their family. She decided she wasn’t going to demand anything from her husband or try to get him to change, she was just going to go home and love him.
She went home and said to her husband, “I love you. I know I’ve criticized you and blamed you and I’m sorry for that. It stops now.” She set one boundary with him and said “I’m going to be truthful in all my communication with you and I want you to be truthful with me”. He agreed.
She didn’t force him to engage. She didn’t force him to communicate with her, but suddenly, amazingly, that’s exactly what he started doing. He saw immediately how changed she was and started asking more questions about what had happened on the retreat and she answered him openly and honestly. They cried together.
She got it. She started living what the poster says:
He told us he started feeling all the love from her. He couldn’t believe all the changes and how peaceful and calm and happy she is. And guess what? After the holidays they’re coming for a Couples Retreat. He’s the one who suggested it! He wants what she’s having — peace and calm and lots of love. He wants the same kind of turn-around she had and they want to really learn how to communicate and to grow more deeply together.
I love this quote from Byron Katie – Everyone is a mirror image of you — your husband, your wife, your children, your mother, your father, your annoying relatives that you have to be with at Christmas. Everything you don’t like in other people is a mirror of something you don’t like in yourself.
But the good news is, it’s something that is trying to come up for healing — that’s why it keeps coming up!
And the really good news is – The only difficult family member you need to change is you!
It starts with a simple decision:
Decide to have a different Christmas.
Decide to have a different year next year.
Decide to heal these wounds that are holding you back and keeping you from the peace and joy we all yearn to celebrate during the holidays.
Decide to have a turn-around. Decide to come and do a Soul Adventure.
It will turn everything around.
Connect with us and speak with one of our Retreat Guides. They’ll get you started on the turn-around.
They’ll connect with you (or both of you, if it’s a couples retreat) in deep conversation. Then they’ll custom design the perfect retreat for you.
Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.
Would you like to speak to someone today? We’re even open on Sundays, because we’re here for you.
Wishing you a wonderful holiday season,
Debra Stangl / Founder
Sedona Soul Adventures – Transforming Lives One Soul At A Time
Eileen says, “This experience has changed my life!”
“Ok, this has taken so long coming back to you because I wanted to be able to say something helpful instead of “It was so great!!” which it was, but to be more articulate…” I was at a point in my life where after a few rough years, I simply needed some help, I sought it and found Sedona Soul Adventures. This experience has changed my life, it centered me, allowed me to see the amazing life I already have and appreciate it, it has given me direction and an idea about how I want my future to be. I was extremely impressed and grateful for the customized sessions for my particular needs and the quality of the practitioners and SSA staff. Thank you Sedona Soul Adventures!”
– Eileen G., Northport, Maine
On the Egypt trip, we take care of everything! Join us Feb. 11-25
One of the most wonderful things about our Return to Egypt tour (Feb 11-25, 2018) is that we take care of absolutely everything! On a trip like this you want to make sure that you’ll be safe and taken care of by people who really know Egypt.
This is my 18th trip to Egypt, I’ve been going there since 1983. I’ve been working with Guardian Travel since 1995 and have been taking groups to Egypt each year since 2004.
Guardian Travel is known and respected throughout Egypt and they handle everything in such a magnificent way. From the largest most important things to the smallest details, everything is taken care of masterfully. It starts in Cairo where they greet us so warmly at the airport and from that time on, you won’t have to touch your bags for the next two weeks – it’s one of the small details that I love.
They arrange everything at our fabulous 5-star hotels and 5-star Nile Cruise.
They take us to wonderful restaurants like the one that has a panoramic view of the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid and on one of the nights we have dinner at the Fayed home which is across the street from the Sphinx!
They’re with us all the time on all of our excursions from our camel ride to the Great Pyramid to slipping some extra baksheesh (tip money) to the guards at temples so we can do a private meditation there (ssshhh – don’t tell anyone!).
Our guide is giving us all the information about the amazing places we’re going to, answering all of our questions, reading hieroglyphics to explain a particular carving, making jokes and shepherding us to the ins and outs of all the most important places.
Every day we’ll be going to yet another magnificent place and each one is even more incredible than the last.
Every day is planned so beautifully so that we have the perfect combination of seeing the sites, connecting with the energy and having fun!
I took a trip to England and Paris a few years ago and found myself in the position of having to plan everything — the hotels, getting around, deciding where to go and how, where were we going to eat each day, etc., etc., etc. Even though I’m good at it, it was exhausting. It gave me a renewed appreciation for everything that Guardian Travel does and how over the past 14 years I’ve designed this trip so that it truly is the perfect spiritual tour of Egypt.
We even provide you with traveling companions! Don’t worry if you don’t have someone to travel with, our groups are typically in love with each other within 48 hours and make friendships that last a lifetime. It’s so wonderful to have these experiences with other like-minded adventurers.
Everything is completely taken care of — you can come and just focus on all the fun and the amazing transformations that will happen in this sacred place.
“I went to Egypt with Debra two years in a row, 2013 and 2014. The country is so amazing–the energy is so high and I’ve felt drawn to so many of the temples and sites. Guardian Travel is so wonderful and our tour guide made the trip unforgettable! I could go back year after year and still discover new things. I felt completely safe on both tours, the people were so warm and welcoming. All of the travel arrangements were perfect. We never waited for a bus to be there, meals were great, and everyone was always more than willing to help out with anything we needed or answer any questions. And I’ve made friendships that will last a lifetime. Don’t wait to sign up for this amazing tour!”
– Betty Ann Dean (that’s Betty Ann on the end in the red sweater)
If you have any questions about our trip, send me an email at: Debra@SedonaSoulAdventures.com
Or feel free to give me a call, toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada)
Or Click here and I’ll call you – I love talking about Egypt!