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Use Your Tax Refund on a Whole New Life or Relationship

tax refund

It’s that time of year again, and I hope you’re getting a nice big tax refund. It’s so great having that sudden jolt of available cash!

We have lots of people we’re working with right now who are waiting on their tax refund to use it for their Soul Adventure – isn’t that a great idea?

You worked hard all last year and here’s some extra money that is yours to keep and do with as you like. Wouldn’t it be perfect to spend that extra abundance on the one person who made it possible – YOU!?!

What a concept!

  • Taking care of yourself
  • Making yourself even better and happier this year
  • Indulging yourself by coming to the most beautiful place on earth 

We have so many people who come to us and say, “I’ve wanted to do this for so many years and now I’m finally doing it!”

Is this the year you give yourself the gift of a Sedona Soul Adventures retreat? We’ve just started our 18th year – isn’t that amazing? And even after all this time and all these thousands of people, I sometimes still can’t believe what happens for people when they come here.

Here’s one of our most recent reviews that Melanie posted on the third party review site, Trustpilot (third party means that Trustpilot verified she really is a client, she wrote the review and sent it to them, so you can be assured we aren’t just making this up!).

Now that just says it all!

If you could transform your life in three days, would that be worth spending your tax refund on it? If you could come back into connection with your beloved and have the relationship of your dreams after four days, would that be worth it to you? 

I know some of you are going to be thinking, “Yeah, right, my life will be transformed,” but it really is true. I know because I’ve witnessed it thousands of times. And don’t take my word for it, take Melanie’s and the hundreds of reviews we’ve received on Trustpilot in just the last few years (if you’d like to read the reviews, click below).

i want my transformation

Contact us and connect with one of our Retreat Guides. They’ll design the perfect retreat, here in the red rocks of mystical Sedona, to bring you into peace and harmony, and the life (or relationship) of your dreams.

Or, if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

As I always say – you can have the life or relationship you want – I know it!

Will you be getting this from your beloved on Valentine’s Day?

What do you think you’re getting from your beloved for Valentine’s Day? What are you giving your beloved?

Watch this to see what I think is the most important thing you can give them.

Josh and Jen say their Couples Retreat was “the most amazing experience we have had in our lives” and “We feel like we are on fire!”

“This was probably the most amazing experience we have had in our lives and definitely as a couple. We came out of the adventure much closer and with a renewed sense of direction. We feel like we are on fire! We are ready to go out into the world and live our lives with joy and purpose! We want to make the most of our human experience and use our close partnership to support each other’s life purposes. Our lives have changed forever because of our Soul Adventure and it was just the boost we needed to grow in marriage and in life. We have a whole new perspective on our lives and we can truly see the endless possibilities now. We both feel so blessed that we were able to experience this adventure together and we will most definitely return to discover even more about our true selves as we travel along this path. Thanks to everyone at Sedona Soul Adventures who made this experience possible. We wish for everyone to receive the love and joy that they have given us.”  
Josh & Jen B.

Would you like to have an amazing experience with your beloved that will make you feel like you’re on fire? Give us a call.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

Happy Valentine’s Day! The day of love and lovers. 

happy valentines day

On this special day, I want to tell you about something I’ve come to believe, just in the past year, about relationships. It’s something that seems like I should have known this all along and when you hear it, you’re probably going to say something like, “Well, of course, Debra, everybody knows that.” 

But just stay with me for a moment because I think you might be surprised to find out that what I think the #1 thing that you either have or don’t have in your relationship, that either makes it or breaks it and that is…

Are you nurturing each other?
Does your beloved nurture you?
And are you nurturing your beloved? 

It seems like a simple question, but it’s not at all. Because it’s about a way of being. It’s a decision you’re making, in every moment.  

Do you truly want to nurture your beloved?  

Do you want to nurture them in the way they want to be nurtured? 

love-crazy

Or are you constantly picking at them, criticizing them and thinking nasty thoughts about them?

As most of you know, I was a divorce attorney for over 20 years and now I’ve done couples work in Sedona for almost 20 years. It appears to me that relationships are either mainly in the “I love you” zone or the “You drive me crazy” zone. And it seems like once you’ve rounded the corner into the “you drive me crazy” zone, there’s not much going back unless you really do something about it.

couple avoiding

There are basic problems that seem to show up a lot when the nurturing factor isn’t there. And in my experience, there are things that seem unique to women and unique to men. This is also borne out in John Grey’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series of books (so please don’t write me that I’m stereotyping — I’ve watched this for almost 40 years!). 

mars and venus

If you’re a woman, do you: 

  • Complain a lot to your partner? 
  • Complain about your partner to other people?
  • Have you taken everything over because he won’t do the stuff you want him to do, in the way you want him to do it? 
tune out

If you’re a man: 

  • Are you engaging emotionally with your partner? 
  • Are you able to just sit and listen to your partner or do you always give advice, even when it’s not asked for?
  • Are there times when you simply tune your partner out? 

These are all danger signs. Big signals telling you, “STOP! You’ve got to do something here.”

If you’re a woman, stop complaining and stop doing everything because he’s not doing it right.

i want to nurture

If you’re a man, start listening and start really engaging emotionally with her.  

The biggest thing, is that you both have to make this basic decision: “I love this person and I want to nurture them.”  

So many books and articles say that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and of course, communication is extremely important, but think about it…

communication

Deciding to truly nurture your partner is at another layer below communication and everything else. If you are in nurturing mode, your communication will always be wonderful, the way you treat them will always be wonderful, and you’ll be having the perfect amount of sex and time together, because it will be based on each of you nurturing the other. 

nurture your partner

If you’re finding that you’re out of the nurturing zone, you can recognize that and you can do something about it. You literally can shift everything around by making this simple decision:

I want to nurture this person and I’m going to figure out how to do that.

drop resentments

It takes 

  • Willingness 
  • Dropping your resentments about what’s happened in the past 
  • Coming back into loving connection 

Now I know, doing these things is easier said than done. Letting go of past resentments is usually pretty difficult for both parties and that’s usually what’s holding one or both of you back from really getting into and staying in the nurturing zone.  

Or maybe you don’t have clarity about what you truly want. It’s hard to go out of your way to do something for the other person when you’re maybe not 100% sure that you want to be with them. 

happy couple sunset

Let us help you get back into the nurturing zone. Come to Sedona and do a Couples Retreat. Give it to yourselves as a Valentine’s Day present. Wouldn’t that be the most amazing present you’ve ever had? Coming back into the love and connection that brought you together in the first place? 

Call us and connect with one of our Angel Guides. They’ll connect with both of you separately and really dig deep to discover what’s keeping you out of the nurturing zone. Then they’ll put together a retreat that’s custom designed for exactly what you need and want, to bring you back into the love and connection and sizzle that you crave, giving you tools to stay in the nurturing zone forever.   

If you’d like more information, go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats today.

Or even better, if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for you call us today at (928) 204-5988.  

If you got value from this video, please like, share the video with someone you think might get something out of it and subscribe to our channel

You can have the life  AND the relationship you want – I know it.

More Sex, Fight Fair and Let Go of the Past

All this month, I’ve been sending you videos about how to have a fabulous New Year and New Decade. As part of that, I want to tell you three very specific things you can do right now for having your relationship be fantastic in 2020. And each of these things are backed up by scientific studies, which I love!

Give a listen – this could save your relationship! Or send it to someone (your partner, maybe?) who might benefit from it.

Relationships are hard. I know – I was a divorce attorney for 20 years, I’ve been doing couples work with Sedona Soul Adventures for almost 20 years and I’ve been married more than once. 

I’m happy to say I’m in a blissful marriage now, but one of the reasons it’s blissful is because I practice what I preach. I do the three specific tips I just gave you and when something is going on, my husband and I do sessions with our practitioners here, because they are the best of the best and sometimes you just need to hear something from a third person. 

We all need help, once in a while – even me!

Do you need help? Does your relationship need help? If your relationship is on the wrong path right now, you’ve got to do something to turn it in the right direction.

Give us a call and let us custom design the perfect retreat for the two of you.

I love this post from Rachel on Facebook:

Wouldn’t you love to have all that happen for you and your relationship?

  • To thrive more as a couple
  • To thrive more as an individual
  • To thrive more as a parent
  • To really show up for each other and in your lives
  • To have your relationship feel NEW

To have a whole new relationship, that’s what happens when people do a Couples Soul Adventure. Call us and let’s get one started for you.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

couple red rocks

Most of you who have been watching my videos over the years know that I was a divorce attorney for over 20 years in Omaha, Nebraska and then after that, I’ve spent almost 20 years working with couples through Sedona Soul Adventures – so I have almost 40 years experience of working with couples.

Today I want to give you 3 specific tips for making your relationship stronger.

What I love about these is that they are actually based on scientific studies. I love it when studies prove things that we intuitively already know. 

have sex often

The first one is one – and when you first hear it, you’re probably going to say something like, “Duh, Debra, everybody knows that” – but I want you to really listen to it. Here it is: 

If you want your relationship to thrive, you should be having sex often and regularly. 

And here’s why:

woman staring out window

Because studies have shown there is a direct correlation between how often you have sex and the positive feelings you have about your partner. The more frequently partners had sex, the more positive their implicit, or gut-level, positive feelings about the relationship were. This is according to a study in Psychological Science. 

implicit attitude

So let me explain exactly what this means. Your implicit feeling about your partner is your automatic response to them. Let’s say they walk in the door at the end of the day and you’re tired and know you have to make dinner. The study researchers reported,  “When you’re tired and don’t have the energy to think about how you feel about your partner, the implicit attitude you have toward them is the one that will come out and influence the way you treat them.” 

Of course we all know that, but here’s the kicker: in the study, the more people had sex, the more their implicit response – their automatic response to their partner – was positive. So by having more sex, you’re increasing the likelihood that your automatic response to your partner, the response you don’t even think about, will be positive. 

have more sex

And how do you want to feel about your partner? You want to automatically feel good about them. Ergo, have more sex. 

One of the things that’s been so heartbreaking for me, both when I was a divorce attorney and now after all these years of working with couples at Sedona Soul Adventures, is to find out the number of couples who have not had sex in a really, really long time. I mean 2 ½ years, 5 years, even 10 years. It’s such an indicator of what’s going on in the relationship. And sometimes there ARE things going on – anger, mistrust, upset with the other person – but if you allow those to linger, if you don’t take steps to fix them, that’s when you’re going to have long term trouble, the kind of trouble that leads to divorce and separation. 

fight fair

Which leads us to Tip No. 2:

Figure out how to fight fair.

Anger and Stonewalling don’t work, they lead to health problems and long term unhappiness.

Again, “duh,” but really listen to this because I love what this study found. They followed 156 couples over a 20 year period, observing the same couples every 5 years, and found that people who get really angry in arguing with their spouse have a greatly increased risk of heart disease. 

increased heart disease

The people who stonewall (meaning, “I don’t want to talk about his right now”) and so then they never really deal with their problems, were much more likely to develop musculoskeletal problems, meaning back pain. The other thing I loved about this study is that the researchers said in their report that a lot of the couples in this study had the same conflict year in and year out, and they usually discussed it in eerily similar terms. Dr. Robert Levenson of UC Berkeley said, “Sometimes we’d be listening in and wondering, ‘Is this the same conversation they had five years ago?’” 

anger and stonewalling

Anger doesn’t work. Stonewalling doesn’t work. It can give you heart disease and back pain, and lead to years of unhappiness. You’ve got to figure out a better way of communicating with each other than getting angry or giving the other person the silent treatment. 

And this leads directly to the 3rd tip:

leave the past

Leave the past In the past.

If you work through a hardship together and come to a positive resolution, move past it and use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. Don’t keep throwing it in your partner’s face during arguments, don’t use it to guilt-trip your partner, and try not to assume that just because something happened once, it will happen again. What’s passed is past, and rehashing old ugliness will just poison future happiness. Let it go. 

poison future happiness

I know from my own personal experience and also from working with couples how hard this is. We had a couple here this year who two years ago, the man had an emotional relationship with someone at work. Nothing sexual ever happened and he stopped it when he realized where it was going and told his wife about it. She was understandably very upset, but even after two years of therapy, she simply could not let this go and she continually accused him of doing it again – although he never did – and she was jealous and angry and becoming really nasty with him all the time. 

They were on the verge of divorce when they came to us and we discovered that she had some core wounds from her childhood around not being worthy of love. That’s what was preventing her from letting this go. When she really got it that it was her own feelings of not being loveable, not his behavior that was really causing the problem, she was able to let it go and they were more in love than ever, saving their marriage, which I was especially happy for because they have two young children.  

let go of the past

If your relationship and your family is important to you, you have to find a way to let go of the past and reclaim the love the two of you have. 

And of course, sometimes that’s a whole lot easier said than done. Sometimes we just can’t get beyond things that have happened, especially if they involve trust or betrayal. But the question is: Do you want to hold onto that or do you want to hold onto your marriage and your family? 

So here are the tips: 

sizzle
  1. Have more sex  
  2. Learn how to disagree without anger and stonewalling
  3. Let go of the past 

How are you doing with those? Is your relationship where you want it to be? Does it still Sizzle like it used to? Is your partner your best friend?

If not, I can tell you that you’re on a difficult road, a road that is probably going to lead you someplace you don’t want to go. So you have two choices:

two choices
  1. Do something about it, or 
  2. Get more and more miserable

The second choice is what a lot of people do for a long period of time before they simply can’t stand it anymore and they split up. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for your family.

Our couples retreats are so powerful because they are custom designed for exactly what the two of you need.

First, we’ll talk to each of you separately before you even come to Sedona, really digging deep to get to the causes of the problems and what got you here. The problems that got you here in the first place are different for everybody and need to be treated in the specific ways that you need. 

custom design

Then we’ll custom design your retreat and when you come to Sedona, you’ll be working one-on-one with the Master Practitioners here, some of whom have over 20 years of working with couples. Your sessions will be completely private. You won’t be in a group where you’ll have to air your dirty laundry in front of a lot of strangers. You’ll be working privately with people who are caring and compassionate, helping you to move through the blocks and gunk that have brought you here and bringing you back into connection. Connection with yourself, connection with your beloved and connection with that third thing which is your relationship. 

We’ve had so many people come to us on the verge of divorce, sometimes with the papers already signed, and we’ve turned things around and brought them back to the love that brought them together in the first place. And we’ve had so many people where the sizzle is gone and they want to take their relationship to the next level – really bringing in the love and connection that is so juicy and wonderful and satisfying.

I hope this helped, and if you got value from this video, please like, share the video with someone you think might get something out of it and subscribe to our channel

But if you’re ready to have the relationship of your dreams and move through the problems of the past, call us at (928) 204-5988 today to talk to us so that we can custom design the perfect retreat for your needs and desires. 

We all want to be loved in the way we want to be loved. Sometimes we need help finding that. If this is something you’re searching for, please call us – or if you’d like more information, go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats today.

You can have the life  AND the relationship you want – I know it.

1

She Decided to Take Care of Herself and this is What Happened

A few weeks ago, we had an incredible person here to do a Sedona Soul Adventures retreat. Aprille Franks is an amazing woman who was looking to heal and expand as a person. She’s a Master Business Coach who works with women looking to create their own raving communities and make a good living while doing it!

Aprille is passionate about empowering women through entrepreneurship – working with speakers, authors and other coaches looking to level up. But before she could go any further, she had some soul searching to do herself. She says every leader should take the time to explore who they really are, outside of their day to day.

And when Aprille decided she needed to do something to take care of herself, she came to us.

She came to Sedona to do a Soul Adventure and it was life-changing for her. And I was so surprised (and honored) when she did this Facebook Live, talking about how incredible, healing, enlightening and magical her retreat was. And I feel very blessed that she has agreed that I can share this with you.

It’s 34 minutes long, it’s raw and it is heart-felt.

Aprille told all of the people she works with, “you need to do a Soul Adventure.” How about you? 

  • Are you feeling stuck? 
  • Are you living your life purpose?
  • Do you want to find your life purpose?
  • How’s your relationship doing? 
  • Are you living your best life?

Give us a call and let us help. It’s what we do.

i want my transformation

Call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you. They’ll connect with you and custom design a retreat that’s perfect for exactly what you need and desire.

As I always say – you can have the life or relationship you want – I know it!

How to do a Negativity Detox

Did you know that scientific studies (including one at Yale) show that being positive is more important for living longer than:

  • Cholesterol levels
  • Weight 
  • Smoking
  • Blood pressure
  • Exercise

Watch my video and learn how to do a Negativity Detox.

I hope this helped, but I also know that sometimes we’re in such a negative spiral that we absolutely have to have some help. That was my situation when I came to Sedona 21 years ago – every part of my life was a mess. And thinking positive thoughts (which I was trying to do), just wasn’t cutting it; things were just continuing to get worse. I needed help and that’s why I came to Sedona all those years ago.

Maybe a trip to Sedona could help you. What a perfect way to really get this year going. Call us. We’re masters at getting to the root causes of what’s causing your negativity, moving it out and bringing you back into Connection, to live in Love and Joy and Harmony. And it just might help you live longer.

Call us right now (we’re even open on Sundays because we’re here for you). We’ll connect with you and then we’ll custom design a retreat that’s perfect for exactly what you need to start moving you back into positivity. Click below and we’ll call you.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

Karen says her “magical and mystical” Soul Adventure “was definitely a 10” and gave her a “positive perspective”

“My experience with Sedona Soul Adventures was definitely a 10. My work with the different practitioners allowed me to achieve a positive perspective of my life, the challenges that I had faced in the past few years, and let go of the feeling of loss that I had been carrying. It was a very enlightening and comforting experience from start to finish. The whole interaction with Sedona Soul Adventures was great – from the description of what an individualized experience could be on the website, to the first phone interaction when I called. Everything was just what I had hoped for. I felt very nurtured and cared for. It was just as magical and mystical an experience as I had hoped to find in Sedona.” 
~ Karen H. 

Laura says, “My trip to Peru was a life-altering experience. My heart has expanded to new levels. I am so open and the feeling is other worldly.

“My trip to Peru was a life-altering experience thanks to the efforts of Debra, as well as an amazing group of sacred travelers. The universe is such a powerful place. I find it truly amazing how much coordination and dedication it takes to have so many pieces come together to create such a perfect moment in my life. I feel blessed to have been a part of that moment in time as it opened a whole new portal in my life. I cannot begin to express my gratitude. This is an excerpt of an email I sent to one of my best friends after the trip: I laughed. I cried. I was awed. I experienced new dimensions. I felt love and gave love. My gratitude is endless. I feel fortunate to have experienced the Andes Mountains and people. My heart has expanded to new levels. I am so open and the feeling is other worldly. I have made amazing friends. The group, the leaders and the guide were all amazing teachers. I cannot wait to share everything with you.
~ Laura McConnell

Today I want to challenge you to do a Negativity Detox. 

Everybody is always talking about doing a detox from sugar, a detox from carbs or a liver detox, and those are great if they make you feel better – but I’m talking about a detox that will not only make you feel better, but there are scientific studies that show it could help you live longer.

And that’s what a Negativity Detox does – taking 30 days to identify and eliminate all the negativity in your life. It can be a daunting but very exciting task, and I really want to invite you to give it a try. If you do it for 30 days, you could be on the road to a happier, healthier and longer life. 

And I’m saying that because there are so many studies out there on this, but one of my favorite ones is a study at Yale University. The study followed 660 people for up to 23 years that were aged 50 and older. The ones who had a more positive outlook about getting older lived 7 years longer than those who had a negative outlook about it. 

But here’s my favorite part: the Positive Attitude had a greater impact than… 

  • Cholesterol levels
  • Weight
  • Smoking
  • Blood pressure
  • Exercise

All the things that everyone tells us to be worried about. People need to be more worried about not being so worried and not being so negative all the time. 

So how do you go about doing this? 

First, you need to know about your thoughts. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. So if you’re like most people, you’re thinking the same negative thoughts over and over again. 

That’s what’s causing all the problems and that’s where the Negativity Detox comes in. If you want to change it, you’ve got to do something about it – you need to do something to interrupt that pattern. 

So how do you do a Negativity Detox?

The idea is to eliminate as much negativity as you can from your life. And it starts with YOU. What type of person are you naturally? Are you a “the cup is half empty” or “the cup is half full” kind of person? 

If you’re a “the cup is half full” person, you’ve got a leg up. If you’re a “the cup is half empty” person, the key is turning that around, to flip the switch.

So, just for the next 30 days, decide to react positively no matter what the situation. It can help to decide on a phrase that you automatically tell yourself when something happens that you would normally react negatively to. Something like, “Wow, that’s interesting,” or if it’s something with a person, it could be something like, “Gosh, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Come up with a phrase that works for you that you can start using automatically. 

It’s about dropping the judgment and the automatic reaction. So if someone cuts in front of you in traffic, instead of getting all angry and flipping them off, you have your prepared statement, “Wow, that’s interesting, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Can you see how that would help if you did that every single time for the next 30 days?

If you’re having negative thoughts about yourself or your life, have another statement for that: If you find yourself thinking, “My life sucks,” immediately say or think to yourself your prepared statement, something like, “Wow, isn’t it interesting how these thoughts come in?” And then try to think about something that makes you feel better, like your dog or cat or grandbaby or a funny movie, ANYTHING that can bring you into thinking something more positive. 

How do you get out of bed in the morning? Do you lie there and think, “Oh my God, I can’t even drag myself out of bed,” or do you immediately start thinking about all the 10 million things you have to do today?  

How about coming up with a different way to start your day, just for the next 30 days? Would it help you to literally jump out of bed and say, “Wow, another great day!”? Would it help you to get up 15 minutes early and meditate, exercise or do something (anything) that would be guaranteed to make you feel good? Think of a way to change your pattern in the morning, get up differently, feel differently, do things differently, put your pants on with a different leg first… things that tell your brain you’re doing things differently. 

And then, are there people or situations that are just always negative for you? If so, can you simply avoid these people or places for the next 30 days? 

Of course there are some places you can’t avoid, like your workplace.  

How is the atmosphere there? If it’s really toxic, is it possible for you to speak with your co-workers or a supervisor and talk about ways that your workplace could be a happier place to be in?

If there are people or situations there that bug you, have your prepared statement, “Wow, that’s interesting” or “Gosh, I wonder what’s going on with them.” If you keep that up for even three days, I think you’ll be amazed at what happens when you don’t allow yourself to go into the automatic response you’re so used to. 

If you feel really industrious, I want to invite you to keep a journal about this. You might start each day bounding out of bed and decide to do a gratitude journal. Take three minutes to write down what you’re grateful for – you could even write down positive things about that coworker who bugs you, something like, “She is smart and knows what she’s doing.” And then at the end of the day, journal about how the day went. Give yourself permission to not be perfect; you’re already wired to think thousands of negative thoughts per day, you’re not going to stop them all at once, but just start noticing how you’re thinking more positively and feeling a little better. 

Do this for 30 days and see how you feel. See if you’re thinking and feeling differently about things. If so, keep on incorporating that into your life. 

And sometimes we find ourselves in a negative spiral that even positive thinking can’t help. For some people, it’s from trauma they’ve suffered in the past. For some people, they’ve grown up in an atmosphere where nothing they did was right, they were criticized constantly and it led to them feeling negatively about everything. Unless and until you clear this stuff out, it’s probably always going to be with you. That’s when you might want to think about doing a retreat with us. My life was in a downward, negative spiral until I came to Sedona and worked with the amazing practitioners who are here. We’re masters at getting to the root causes of what’s causing your negativity, moving it out and bringing you back into connection, to live in love and joy and harmony.

I hope this helped, and if you got value from this video, please like, share the video with someone you think might get something out of it and subscribe to our channel

And if you’d like more information, go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Spiritual Retreats today.

Or if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for you call us at (928) 204-5988.

You can have the life  AND the relationship you want – I know it.

1

Get uplifted, watch “It’s A Wonderful Life”

Merry Christmas! Almost! Wow, it’s here again! 

I’m wishing you a wonderful, fabulous happy Christmas and I want to tell you again (I say this to everyone every year), please, please, please watch “It’s A Wonderful Life,” the movie with Jimmy Stewart during this holiday season. 

It is such an incredible parable of how we can go from hating our lives to total gratitude and love in an instant.

We all know that real happiness comes from living a life that matters — that includes love, connection and service. And for so much of it, all we have to do is shift our thinking around. Just like Jimmy Stewart does in the movie.

 
 
 
How about you? Are you looking for a Christmas miracle? Does your life seem small and insignificant? Are you ready to make the change so that you’re living the life you want? I first came to Sedona when I was in the depths of despair and it changed everything.

Connect with one of our Angel Guides — they’ll tune into you and get to the heart of what’s holding you back in your life or your relationship. Then they’ll custom design a retreat to take you from where you are to where you want to be.
i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. Remember, we’re even open on Sundays, because we’re here for you.

Wishing you the most amazing Christmas ever, where you understand the deep significance of who you are.

Many blessings,
Debra

It’s Christmas and one of the Christmas traditions that I’ve had for many years is to watch the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” each year. If you don’t do that, or especially if you’ve never seen the movie, you have to see it and I hope you’ll watch it again. There are 2 reasons why I want you to watch it or watch it again… 
Because it will make you feel good. It will fill you with Christmas cheer. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry, but mainly it will just make you feel good and that’s what all of this is all about. 
 
But here’s the other reason why I want you to watch it – it’s because of the backstory and of what happened with the movie and why it’s such a wonderful story about second chances. 
 
The movie came out in 1946, the year after the end of the second World War. It stars Jimmy Stewart, a very famous Hollywood actor and he was just back from serving as a pilot in the war. It was directed by Frank Capra, a very famous Hollywood director who also served in World War II. 
 
It’s the story of George Bailey, a small town boy who has dreams of traveling the world, but when his father dies unexpectedly, he has to take over the family business, a savings and loan company that makes home loans for people who don’t have a lot of money. 
He falls in love, gets married and has children, but he always feels he never really got to live the life he wanted. Then his uncle loses some of the savings and loan money, and George is faced with ruin.
It’s so seriously awful that he’s thinking about suicide, he’s about to jump off a bridge, when an angel is sent down from heaven to help him. The angel jumps in first and George saves him, and then the angel shows George how life in their small town would have been without him.
George sees the incredible impact he’s had on the lives of so many people and he truly appreciates all the love he has in his life. His life is saved but even more than that, it’s completely renewed. He has a second chance at his life. 
 
The movie came out and it was a flop. It got mixed reviews and very little box office time. It went into that place of the forgotten movie. And then a weird thing happened – the copyright lapsed and the movie went into the public domain. That meant television stations could show it, at no cost. Suddenly this once-forgotten movie started to be shown every year at Christmas and for many people, myself included, it’s a Christmas tradition each and every year. 
 
Both Jimmy Steward and Frank Capra always said it was their favorite film they had ever made. 
 
So just like George Bailey in the story, the movie got its own second chance and is now a beloved classic. 
 
Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t it a wonderful Christmas story to know that even if we’re in the pit of despair like George was, we can have a second chance?
All it takes it to look around and appreciate what we have, to recognize the love that we have in our lives. 
 
So please, watch the movie, feel the love and I hope you have a very merry and joy-filled Christmas.   

I hope this video makes you feel a little happier and if it did, please like, share the video with your friends and subscribe to our channel.
And if you want a more direct path to getting and staying happy – then go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats today.
Or if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for you call us at 928/204-5988.
You can have the life AND the relationship you want – I know it.

How To Create Peace In Your Life

The holiday season is supposed to be the Season of Peace, but really?? And from what most people say to me, “peace” is something they crave, but have a lot of difficulty finding.

So here’s an early Christmas present — the gift of Peace. Some really practical ways to bring more peace into your life right now — just in time for the holidays.

Sometimes meditating and slowing down aren’t enough to really bring you into the Peace you’re craving. Sometimes there’s lots more going on that just needs to be cleared once and for all to bring you back into the connection that fosters that Peace. If that’s the case, think about giving yourself the perfect Christmas gift — the gift of taking care of yourself with a Sedona Soul Adventures retreat. Call us and speak with one of our Retreat Guides. They’ll dig deep to see where the blocks are in your life or your relationship, and custom design a retreat that will take you into the Peace you’re craving.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

Would you like to speak to someone today? We’re even open on Sundays, because we’re here for you.

Diane says after her Soul Adventure: “I never imagined I would be feeling so much peace and joy and love”

“I still cannot really describe into words the experience I had, not only with Sedona Soul Adventures, but also with Sedona itself. All I can say is that I never imagined that after such a process, I would be feeling so much lighter… clearer… and overflowing with so much peace… joy… love and light! What an amazing experience, to say the least. I wish to extend to everyone at SSA and all the Practitioners who were all absolutely awesome that I worked with my deep love and warm-hearted gratitude!”
~ Diane S.

Over the years, one of the biggest challenges I’ve seen in the people who come to us is the lack of peace. In fact, when we ask people what they want, it’s usually one of the top things they are saying they don’t have, that they want.

If this is something you’ve been feeling here are some possible reasons why…

We hear it all the time, but only because it’s true. Stress kills, but it also creates this lack of peace that can make your life almost unbearable.

everything perfect

Do you believe that everything has to be perfect (or everything has to be a certain way) in order for you to be happy?  

That’s a big one. Can you see what a set-up that is for creating stress and a lack of peace? 

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

If you don’t, that can create a lot of problems in your life.

What’s driving you? Is something driving you? Are you driving yourself irrationally? Are you constantly pushing yourself to do more and more and more? The question is: What’s underneath that?

Are any of these true for you?

You see, when we look a little deeper, we uncover what’s really going on and then when you go deeper still, you see the compounding affects showing up in many areas of your life.

So how is a lack of peace affecting other areas of your life?

stress

When we’re stressed out all the time, it affects everything.

We had a woman come here to do a retreat last year and she was really at the end of her rope. She had a very demanding job, her marriage was having some problems, she has two kids —  a teenager and a 7-year-old, her elderly parents were requiring more help, she was overweight, she was a soccer mom, she was active in her church, and she was completely frazzled. She was driving herself crazy and she was driving everyone around her crazy. 

She kept putting off doing the retreat for over 6 months because she kept saying, “I can’t find 4 days where I can come.” Finally, her husband said to her, “I love you, but you have to do something about this. You’re killing yourself and you’re killing our family.” 

She came to Sedona and during her retreat, we uncovered that she was driving herself so hard because she was raised in a family where her parents were always demanding that she do more and more. She was made to feel like she wasn’t enough, she always had to keep proving over and over that she deserved to be loved. 

We did sessions with her that moved those old blocks and patterns out and she came into his huge realization of knowing and really believing that she deserves to be loved just because of who she is, not because of what she does. We gave her tools to deal with the stress, plus an action plan of simple but powerful ways to maintain everything she received here. 

She went home feeling so much lighter and happier. That was last year. I just heard from her a few weeks ago and she said the changes are absolutely incredible. 

She gets up 15 minutes before everyone else does and meditates. That keeps her centered for the day. When she goes to bed at night, the last thing she does is to say a prayer of gratitude. She spends one hour every other week doing the Breath Journey she learned here and she told me, “Debra, you can’t imagine the impact that’s had on my life.” She said even when she’s had things happen, it moves things out…no matter what’s happened, it brings her back into a peaceful state. 

change yourself and everything changes

She came home so happy and peaceful, and stayed that way, that her husband and people at work all said, “What happened to you?” Her husband came out for a retreat and two of her friends have also come for retreats. She changed herself and it changed everything in her life.

So what can YOU do to begin to start feeling peace in your life?

Meditate – 15 minutes a day changed everything for Leanne, it can do the same for you.

meditate outside

Breathe – Just taking a few deep breaths when you’re in a stressful situation can help, especially if you do it before you say something you’ll be sorry for later.

Slow down – It’s amazing what can happen when you just slow down. I recommend this to my coaching clients all the time. Stop rushing around everywhere. All that rushing maybe only saves you a few seconds and it’s taking away your peace of mind.

stop comparing yourself

Stop comparing yourself to other people – This is always a losing game.

Try to figure out what’s underneath all this – Do you have an idea of what’s driving you? Is some of this coming from feeling that you are not enough or that you constantly have to prove something? Knowing what’s underneath this can start the healing process. 

self care

Start doing some kind of self care – Take hot baths, get a massage regularly, schedule a regular night out with your friends, schedule a date night. Taking care of yourself has huge benefits.

I hope this video makes you feel a little happier and if it did, please like, share the video with your friends and subscribe to our channel.

And if you want a more direct path to creating peace in your life- then go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Spiritual Retreats.

Or if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for you call us at 928-204-5988.

You can have the life or the relationship you want – I know it.

Some surprising ideas on How to Survive the Holidays

Thanksgiving is Thursday – Brace Yourself!
 
I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, but let’s face it — too often, being around our families triggers old wounds and old resentments. And sometimes we’re left feeling hollow and empty, realizing that we can’t even get along at the holidays. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
 
Watch my 8-minute video and let me know if it helps.
 
 
I hope this helped, and if you got value from this video, please like, share the video and subscribe to our channel.
 
Let’s face it, surviving the holidays can be a daunting task. 
 
Thanksgiving is this week and then we’ll have Christmas, but what I’m talking about really is true for any kind of holiday or family gathering. It all comes down to:
 
How do you want to feel?
 
That’s a really important question because most people don’t ask themselves that question ever, about anything, but it’s the one thing you should be asking yourself all the time.
 
We all want it to be like this. We want to have a happy, harmonious, beautiful loving time with our families, and it’s okay to want that, but how often does that really happen? Regrettably, not very often. 
 
Too often, being around our families triggers old wounds and old resentments, and we’re left feeling hollow and empty realizing that we can’t even get along at the holidays. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
 
The biggest problem with this image is that it’s a set up for an idealized version of life that for most people, just doesn’t exist. So understand that and take this very important piece of advice:
Take you and your family off the hook. Lower your expectations. Stop telling yourself that “this is how it should be.” Stop “Shoulding” all over yourself. Whenever you start using words like “this is how it should be,” that’s when you’re going to have trouble. Lower your expectations and don’t demand that your family has to act in a particular way.
 
So included in this are things like
 
Don’t talk about politics. Let’s face it, that’s just a recipe for disaster. 
 
Limit your alcohol intake. Do what you can to limit your Drunk Uncle’s imbibing. Things can go off the rails pretty quickly when people have had too much holiday cheer.
 
What if you simply didn’t go? This is a somewhat radical idea– what if you made the decision to simply not partake at all in the holiday celebration, to simply not go, not participate. Would it maybe be better to not subject your children to your Drunk Uncle and his cutting remarks? Would it be healthier for you to not subject yourself to your mother’s constant criticism? 
 
Before you automatically say no to this, let’s just think about it for a while. If you already know what you’re walking into, why decide to do that? Well, it might start a family fight and you don’t want that to happen, but are there some ways around that? Could you take your mother out for a Christmas lunch instead? Or do some other kind of outing with your kids? 
 
It’s your life. It’s your mental health and peace. There is no law that says you have to spend your precious holiday time with people who are going to be difficult to be around. I’m not saying we should stop all family gatherings, what I am saying is that we don’t have to do them the same old way.
 
And that starts by you deciding, as I said before: How do I want to feel?
I’m assuming you want to feel happy and connected. So let’s talk about some ways that can happen if you decide that you do want to be with your family.
 
As I said before, Lower your expectations. Decide that your goal is to simply feel okay about everything.
 
Decide to love your family just the way they are. That’s what you want also, right? You want your family to love you just the way you are, right? So start by loving them just the way they are.
 
Spend some time to think about each person you’re going to be seeing. On the ones you actually like and love, spend a few minutes thinking about what you like and love about them.
 
And now here’s where it gets interesting. Then spend some time thinking about the ones who you know are going to drive you crazy. Think about what it is that drives you crazy about them, what are the things they’re going to do that you just know are going to trigger you?
 
Then spend some time doing a quiet meditation about this. See yourself in the situation and see the person doing what it is that they do that bugs you. And then visualize yourself not getting upset, just sort of stepping back, or rising above it as you chuckle to yourself, “yep, they did it again.” But see yourself just not getting all worked up over it.
 
And then let’s go deeper still. Think about them and try to get some idea about why they act this way. If they’re a pompous know-it-all, they probably are actually very insecure underneath all that. See and try to feel yourself sending them love and some compassion. See yourself again, interacting with them and sending them love while you’re talking to them. And then see what happens when you actually get together with them.
 
If this is someone who has done something in the past to hurt you, find my video on Ho’oponopono to understand this process. Suffice it to say, this is an ancient technique from the Hawaiian kahunas, that is incredibly simple, but very powerful. Just think of this person and the situation a bunch of times before the holiday get together and say to yourself over and over:
 
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
I love you 
Thank you
 
This process is incredible and it might just bring you some amazing results. If it does, please let me know.
 
These things I’ve talked about can actually move the energy completely around in your family situation.
  • Lower your expectations
  • Decide to love your family just the way they are  
  • Visualize a happy outcome
  • Ho’oponopono

And these of course, are the best solutions. Changing the way you think and feel about getting together with your family can change how your family get togethers feel. 
And maybe it could actually look and feel like this after all. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

I hope this video makes you feel a little happier and if it did, please like, share the video with your friends and subscribe to our channel.

And If you want a more direct path to getting and staying happy – then go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats today.

Or if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for you call us at 928/204-5988.

You can have the life AND the relationship you want – I know it.

Your self-critic is killing you! Here’s how to shut them up

How big a part of your life is your inner critic? Do you ever say things to yourself like, “You’re so stupid” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why did you do that?!” If so, you’ve simply got to STOP! Because you’re killing yourself!

Watch my video where I talk about a scientific study that proves that your inner critic is killing you and hear about things you can do right now to get that inner critic off your back and out of your head.

If you’d like to finally get that inner critic to shut up once and for all, please contact us and speak with one of our Retreat Guides. They’ll connect with you on a deep level, getting to the root of the problem. Then they’ll custom design a retreat that is specifically designed to root out the blocks and gunk that are feeding that inner critic, bringing you back into peace and the experience of being your best self.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

Lauren says after her Soul Adventure, “I understand who I am and I love me!”

“I was in a very dark place and my heart knew I needed healing and clarity. My soul adventure provided a safe place to journey through my pain and grief, gave me the tools to continue the healing process, and helped me become balanced and whole. I am no longer hardened by the world – I am soft and gushy! I no longer react in anger or frustration; I can breathe life and peace inside when confronted with difficult situations. I understand who I am and I love me! Thank you Sedona Soul Adventures!”
~ Lauren S., Dallas, TX

I love when I read studies that are verifying the work that we do here at Sedona Soul Adventures. It used to be that all of this stuff we talk about was considered New Age gobbledygook, but now studies by medical doctors and scientists are verifying what we’ve been saying all along. Which is:

Self criticism is killing you.

stop being hard on yourself

This particular study was published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration and reported in the New York Times with the title, “Why You Should Stop Being So Hard On Yourself.”

Here’s all the things they discovered: 

  • Self-criticism can take a toll on your mind and body 
  • Self-criticism can impact your body by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging 
  • Self-criticism can have measurably destructive effects, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, negative self-image and decreased motivation and productivity (When they say measurable they mean empirical studies have proven this)
  • Self-criticism can interfere with your productivity
  • Self-criticism leads people to becoming preoccupied with failure 
brains wired

The article then goes on to talk about why we humans do this and the answer is, (in their words): “Blame evolution” 

Which means that our brains are wired to notice our mistakes and for most of us, we then go on to tell ourselves that what we’re doing is either Good or Bad. That’s great, because if we do something that needs to be corrected, then we can go ahead and correct it. The problem is that for a lot of us, we then go on and rather than just learning from the mistake, we allow it to take us into a shame spiral…

correct what needs to be corrected

Chronic illness 
Accelerates aging 
Interferes with your productivity 
Depression 
Anxiety 
Substance Abuse 
Feelings of Failure 

And when you do that long enough and often enough, it leads to all the bad stuff they were talking about earlier:

self criticism effects

Is that serious enough for you to get you stop? 

Do you say things to yourself like:

“You’re so stupid” 

“You’re an idiot” 

“I Hate You” 

“What’s Wrong with you?”

Or do you lie awake at night endlessly replaying a negative situation over and over again in your head, telling yourself you should have said this, or you should have done that?

In the article, the next thing they ask is, “What should I do?” And their one word answer is: Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding to ourselves when confronted with a personal flaw or failure.  

self-compassion

And they offer three steps to help with Self-Compassion:

  1. Meditation  
  2. Meet your criticism with kindness (change your self talk from “you’re a loser” to “everybody makes mistakes”)
  3. Start noticing how you feel better when you are more compassionate with yourself, and then keep doing it over and over again 

When they’re discussing the three steps in this article, they wrote: “This is, of course, easier said than done.” And that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? 

I’m sorry, but you and I both know that simply telling someone to stop calling themselves a loser and telling them to start meditating is not going to stop a lifetime of self-loathing and self-criticism. I had years of therapy and it didn’t stop it, because it didn’t get to the root of what was causing it. 

You see, so much of the pain and self-loathing comes from so many deep places and they affect us on all levels — physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. When we have issues of not loving ourselves completely and unconditionally (and I have to say every single person I’ve ever met has that to one degree or another), it shows up on all those levels. 

On the Physical level, we feel insecure about our bodies (haven’t you noticed how even people who are “beautiful” think they aren’t perfect?). 

On the Emotional level, we deeply feel the self-criticism and it goes to our core. 

On the Mental level, we’re thinking things like “I’m a loser,” “I’m so stupid,” etc. 

On the Spiritual level, we actually believe that there’s something wrong with us. 

Unless we’re dealing with this on all four levels, it just stays there, stuck and not moving. 

We had a man come to us last year who, on the outside, seemed to have it all. He was very successful in his work, he had what seemed to be a great marriage, he was in good health, and his kids were doing well. His wife contacted us because all of a sudden he was feeling really unhappy and withdrawn – not really depressed, he just wasn’t happy and he had no idea why. We told her that we couldn’t set up the retreat for him unless we spoke with him directly and made sure he actually wanted to come (that’s the only way this will work).  

When we connected with him, he was saying all this self-deprecating stuff about himself, which he told us he did because he didn’t want other people to think he had a big ego. But as we delved deeper, we really got to it. 

did you feel

We discovered that he had been given up for adoption at birth and he was never able to find any kind of information about either of his parents. Even though he had been adopted by a very loving family who took great care of him, we discovered that he had a very deep seated belief that “there must be something wrong with me,” for his own mother to have given him up.  

He had never told anyone, not even his wife, that he felt this way. He hid the fact that he was adopted, he was ashamed of it, and he felt that in some way, he was a phony. That if people “really knew” him, really knew the truth about him, they wouldn’t like him. In his emotional clearing session all of this finally came spilling out, all these years of holding all this in, this self-loathing that literally had been eating away at him like a cancer. 

And then he did a Radiant Heart Healing and the hole that was left from all the self-loathing was suddenly filled with all this love that he was feeling for himself…he said it was just gushing and gushing. 

But the most amazing thing was in his Breath Journey. He was already feeling great, and feeling all this self love when suddenly he had a vision of a woman who he just knew was his mother, even though he had no idea of what she actually looked like.

I told him later that I thought this was the Divine Mother, the mother of us all coming to him and he stopped me and said, “Debra, no I know it was my mother, the spirit of my mother.” Now you have to understand this is a very successful, very straight business man who started out being very skeptical about all of this stuff, saying all this to me and of course, I just loved it and was so happy for him that he was feeling all this healing love.  

He went back home and his wife told me later that he is totally a changed man. She then told me she had been afraid he actually had cancer because he seemed to her to be withering away, even though he had been tested and there was no indication of that. I told her that self-loathing can be a type of cancer – it eats away at us and now these studies are showing all the negative effects it can have on us. 

If this is an issue that you’re struggling with, please reach out and let us help. We’re masters at getting to the root of what’s causing the self-loathing, clearing it out and moving you back into connection on all levels – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

I hope this helped, and if you got value from this video, please take the time to like it, share it with someone in your life who think might get something out of it and subscribe to our channel

And If you want an even more direct path to really loving yourself completely, – then go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com  and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Spiritual Retreats today. 

Or if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that will turn your life around, call us at 928/204-5988. 

You can have the life AND the relationship you want – I know it!

Are you giving (and receiving) what you need in your relationship?

If you have any issues going on in your relationship (and let’s face it, most of us do) I REALLY want you to watch this video. After being a divorce attorney for 20 years and working with couples here at Sedona Soul Adventures for over 17 years, I know that the #1 problem that most couples have is not communication – it’s the lack of nurturing each other…of getting what you need and giving what the other one needs. Watch this and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Let us help you get back into the Nurturing Zone. Come to Sedona and do a Couples Retreat. Can you imagine how good it would feel to come back into the love and connection that brought you together in the first place?

couples retreat

Call us and connect with one of our Retreat Guides. They’ll connect with both of you separately and really dig deep to discover what’s keeping you out of the Nurturing Zone.

Then they’ll put together a retreat that’s custom designed for exactly what you need and want, and to bring you back into the love, connection and sizzle that you crave.

i want my transformation

Or if you’d prefer, call us toll-free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada, call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.

You might also like to download your free copy of our “Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats.” That will give you a real idea of what we do and how it works. But please — for the sake of your relationship, do something to get yourself back into the Nurturing Zone.

Sherri completes her 4th Retreat (!) her 2nd Couples Retreat, and says, “Every experience has been unique and special, and worth every penny!!!”

sedona soul adventure retreat testimonial

Today I’m going to talk to you about How to get what you want in your relationship. If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably already know that I was a divorce attorney in Omaha, Nebraska for over 20 years. And then in 2002, I started Sedona Soul Adventures, where we do retreats for individuals and couples. So I spent 20 years divorcing people, and now I’ve spent almost 20 years helping people stay together. 

Our record for helping people with their relationships is absolutely stunning and it’s because we’re able to dig deep to get at the root of the problem, and sometimes the problem is not what either person thinks it is. A big piece of this is finding out what each of you need in your relationship and deciding if you are willing to give it to the other person?  

We had a couple here last year and it was stunning. The husband had an affair and on the surface it looked like just one of the usual situations that sadly we see a lot of. They had grown apart and the husband, I’ll call him Mike, had an affair. Even though he said he loved his wife, I’ll call her Linda, and he adored their two children, the affair had happened and it had gone on longer than Mike had originally told Linda. Linda, of course, was devastated and really, really angry and felt like she could never trust him again. And of course, those reactions are completely natural.  

Mike’s father was a womanizer and his mother left his father when he was very young. He and his mother went to live with relatives in a household that was basically full of men-hating women. Mike grew up hearing about how terrible men are, how you can’t trust them and they’re all womanizers, and he grew up afraid that he would be like that too. But he wasn’t, he’d been married for 20 years, had never had the urge to have an affair and was even saying to us over and over again, “I can’t believe I did that, I can’t believe I jeopardized my whole life” like that. 

Linda grew up in a family where her mother constantly criticized her father and so Linda thought that’s how you communicate with a husband. You get him to do what you want by criticizing him.  

We discovered through our process that the needs that Mike has are Words of Praise and Gifts.

At this point, this might sound to some of you like the Love Languages work that is out there, which I like, but what we do is very different and very specific for each person. 

We discovered through our process that the needs that Linda has are Listening, Conversation and Protection.

Which also made sense because Linda’s mother also criticized Linda and her father would never stand up for her with her mother, so Linda grew up believing, “I have no one to protect me.” 

So Linda needs a man who will talk to her and protect her. And we quickly discovered that Mike just simply wasn’t talking to her and really hadn’t been throughout their marriage and she was, quite understandably, upset about it. And of course, the affair was the ultimate betrayal, how could anyone feel protected by someone who had betrayed them?

Mike didn’t want to have a lot of conversations with Linda because she was constantly criticizing him. She thought she was “helping him” by telling him what to do and how to do it, but it all just felt like criticism to him and Linda got it, how it would feel like that to him. 

So here we have a man whose most basic relationship need is Words of Praise and all he’s getting is Criticism. We have a woman whose most basic relationship need is Conversation and we have a man who won’t talk to her.

But then here’s the kicker:

When we discovered that Mike’s other need was Gifts, we asked him about that. He started tearing up as he told us that he never got gifts when he was growing up, not even for his birthday.  

And guess who gives him gifts? The woman that he had an affair with. And guess what else she gave him? Words of Praise. His other deepest need. It wasn’t about sex, it was about him feeling valued. 

When Mike and Linda realized they were living in this crazy, vicious cycle of he needs Words of Praise and she’s criticizing him, and she needs Conversation and he doesn’t want to talk to her because he doesn’t want to get criticized…and how this had much more to do with their childhoods than with what is going on now…and it’s just this crazy thing that keeps on happening and keeps on going back and forth until someone finally says, “STOP! Wait a minute. He needs Words of Praise and Gifts, are you willing to give that to him?”

And we say to him, “She needs conversation and protection, are you willing to give that to her?” It was harder for him to say yes, because they had 20 years of not really talking to each other. But when she saw him tear up over the gifts thing, her heart just melted. When he got that she was just doing what her mother had taught her to do, he got it. They both got it — that you have to give the other one what they need, not what you think they need, but what they need and want, you have to nurture them in what they need. 

If you’re not willing to do that, you don’t have a relationship. And you certainly don’t have a relationship that’s going to last for very much longer. 

Now understand, I’m not saying that what Mike did was okay, far from it. Having an affair is simply not okay, but when Linda understood all this, she really got it, her heart opened and she was able to forgive him and love him again. 

So How about you?  

Do you know what you want in a relationship? I’ve been surprised to discover that most people don’t. 

Do you know (really) what your partner wants? 

Do you care? That’s actually the most important one, because if you aren’t willing to give your partner what they want, things aren’t going to work. 

Have you spent any time thinking about how your parents were with each other because that can be really telling.

Were they happy?
Were they loving with each other?  
Did they talk?  
Did they fight?  
What did they teach you? (Even though they probably didn’t think they were teaching you.) 

But even more deeply, how was your childhood? 

Did you feel loved?
Did you feel valued?
Were you criticized?
Did you grow up believing there’s something wrong with you?  

Sadly, for many of us, things happen to make us believe that we’re not enough, that we don’t deserve love and then we bring all that into our relationships and it comes out in all kinds of crazy ways, like having affairs and mistreating the person we’re supposed to love. 

What do you really want? 

What do you crave? 

What do you need? 

Come to Sedona and we’ll help you discover that and help move out the blocks that are keeping you from the loving relationship you desire. That’s what we do all day, every day with our custom-designed retreats. 

What you need is probably different than what your partner needs. The blocks that have happened for you are the result of different things that caused the blocks for your partner. We’ll dig all that out and bring you into the love that’s waiting for you. 

Go to SedonaRetreatGuide.com and get your complimentary copy of The Sedona Guide to Couples Retreats today. 

Or even better, if you’d like to talk to someone about doing a retreat that’s custom designed for exactly what the two of you need,  call us at 928/204-5988. 

I hope this helped, and if you got value from this video, please take the time to like it, share it with someone in your life who think might get something out of it and subscribe to our channel

You can have the life AND the relationship you want – I know it!

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