In this issue:
Have you seen this incredible image before? It’s a sculpture that was done by Alexander Milov at the Burning Man festival a few years ago. For me, this just says it all for what happens when we have difficulties in relationships, whether it’s between two married people, two people in a love relationship, or even two friends or family members. Even in our darkest despair (represented by the two figures turning away from each other in grief (or dejection, rejection, hopelessness, or whatever it is you see there)), what’s really happening is that the little boy or girl inside of each of us is actually trying to reach out to the other one saying, “I just want to be loved.”
We see this all the time with our couples retreats. People come to us and they are having a problem in their relationship, and it shows up as lots of different things — they aren’t getting along anymore, or there’s been infidelity, they don’t feel supported, the sizzle has gone out of the relationship, etc. But the bottom line that’s really happening, is that one or both of them isn’t getting what they want. They’re not getting the love they want; they’re not getting the approval they want; they’re not getting the support they want; they’re not getting the kind of intimacy they want. And in most cases, even the fighting and arguing are just them reaching out saying, “I just want to be loved.”
The problem is, when we’re in the middle of that, we simply can’t see it. If we have a partner who isn’t treating us the way we want to be treated or they’re doing things that we don’t like, or (worse) if they’re being dishonest and uncaring, it’s pretty hard to not just keep focusing on that. It’s almost impossible, when you’re in the middle of a shouting match, to understand that that is really a cry for love.
I was reminded of that awhile ago when we had a couple here who had already decided to file for divorce. They came here deciding to give the relationship one last shot. Coming here to do a retreat was the husband’s idea and the wife was already pretty much done. Her husband had started an “emotional affair” with someone else, meaning he was talking to this other woman a lot but they weren’t having sex (however, that was going to happen next if they didn’t do something about this). The wife, of course, felt completely betrayed and shocked.
They both told us the marriage had been rocky for the past two years. They had stopped communicating, they had sex very infrequently and they were arguing a lot over inconsequential things. Their two children were both in college, so they were now empty nesters. Rather than relishing in their newfound freedom with each other, they felt like strangers. They both were working all the time and never made time for each other.
In their sessions, we uncovered and brought out the two wounded children that were inside both of them. It turned out that both of them grew up in homes where their parents didn’t get along and didn’t express love. Mike (not his real name) was acting just like his father: working too hard; angry a lot of the time. Mike’s father had felt like a failure because he lost his job in middle age and never really recovered from that. His father had an affair at the same age Mike was, and here was Mike about to follow in his father’s footsteps. He realized that he was never giving Claire enough emotional connection, just like he saw with his own parents.
Claire’s father was an alcoholic and that wreaked havoc and destroyed the family. Her parents finally split up when she was 10. We uncovered that Claire had made a decision at a young age – “I’m never going to let a man hurt me like that” – which really translated into “I’m never going to let a man get close enough to me to really get hurt.”
So deep inside were a wounded little boy and a wounded little girl, both of them afraid they weren’t being loved.
We did sessions with each of them individually to move the energy of those woundings that had happened to that little boy and little girl. They both had an underlying unconscious fear of “I’m not safe.” When they moved through that, they understood that they are safe. They’re adults, they are in the world, they can take care of themselves, they don’t have anything to be afraid of.
But even better, they realized they truly loved each other. In her Breath Journey, Claire experienced the love she had for Mike when they first met, and then she saw this beautiful vision of them floating on a boat on a river with Mike looking at her adoringly. Suddenly she literally saw the energy of their two hearts coming together and she knew they were meant to be together.
In their Relationship Connection session, Mike really got it how damaging the emotional affair was (even though at first he kept saying, “but we haven’t had sex”). He realized how he was playing out his father’s life and he didn’t want to do that! Both of them understood that they both needed specific ways of communicating their love for each other and they learned how to do that.
I got an email from Claire this week and she said she can’t believe how the simple tools they learned here have made all the difference. I reminded her that the biggest thing that happened was that the wounded little boy and the wounded little girl were healed. When you do that, it transforms everything.
The next time you and your partner argue or have a disagreement, see if you can step back just for a moment and ask yourself, “Is this just a cry for love?” I’m guessing that nine times out of ten, that will be the case. If you can communicate your love to each other in that moment, most of the time the upset falls away. I know it’s hard to do that when you’re in the middle of a confrontation, but you’ll be amazed at the results.
The problem is, none of us are trained to do that. And when we think the other person is wrong or has wronged us, it’s pretty impossible to move off of that position. And the underlying problem — the wounded little boy and the wounded little girl — are still there and hurting.
That’s why our couples retreats are so incredibly valuable. Because we’re healing the relationship by healing the wounded little boy and the wounded little girl. When they’re taken care of, the relationship can thrive and grow, and become happier and juicier than ever.
Once relationships start having problems, they can deteriorate fast. I know because I was a divorce attorney for 20 years! Don’t let that happen to you.
And, of course, this doesn’t just have to do with couples. A huge percentage of the problems that everyone has comes from this wounding that we’ve all experienced in one way or another.
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Before their Soul Adventure “the ‘D’ word” was coming up more and more; after their Soul Adventure, Frank and Valerie say “Our communication is better than ever, and our romance is better than ever. Our marriage is safe.”
“My wife of 12 years and I have two children ages 4 and 8. Up until about 18 months ago we had a great marriage, but then that all suddenly changed. My wife became increasingly introverted. I became confused, then upset, and at times very angry. I could not understand what was happening to my wife. After months of marriage counseling we were never able to get to the core of what was sending us in different directions. The “D” word was coming up more and more often despite our desperate attempt to put the pieces back together. Trust, passion, communication and, most importantly the connection, were gone. I was searching for help and I sent my wife the link to Sedona Soul Adventures… she could not believe that it came from me. She was so excited, and so was I.
I almost can’t believe what has happened. After our Soul Adventure, we are connected more than the day we married back 12 years ago. I learned I do have a spiritual side. I am a spirit having a human experience. My wife is beautiful just the way she is. She now loves her newfound ability to communicate. Our communication is better than ever, and our romance is better than ever. Our marriage is safe, and there is no turning back. Thank you to you and your entire team of loving and talented individuals for all you do.”
~ Frank & Valerie F., Los Angeles, California
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Or, if you prefer, you can call us now, toll-free, at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Retreat Guides will call you.
Watch the video about “Why Our Egypt Trip Is So Special” (Feb 18-March 3)
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