Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day! This always makes me reflect on the true meaning of love.
I know we all want to be loved and we all want to have an object of our affection. Everyone talks about unconditional love, but have you ever really given that, except possibly with a baby? It seems we can do it for a little while, but then those darn old conditions start coming in, don’t they?
“If he would just (fill in the blank), then I would be happy”
“If she would just let me (fill in the blank), then I would be happy.”
After all these years of working with couples (20 years as a divorce attorney, 15 years with Sedona Soul Adventures) I’ve finally decided that what we all really want is for someone to GET us. To know everything there is to know about us (all the good stuff, all the “bad” stuff, all the weird stuff) but even after all that, they still love us and want to be with us. For me that is truly the definition of unconditional love.
And the quickest way I’ve found to get there is this — If you want the relationship of your dreams, you need to take the other person off the hook.
With all the couples retreats that we’ve done over the years, the theme that we see over and over again, is that each person isn’t loving the other person for who they truly are. They say they love them, but they simply want them to be completely different!
They want us to “fix” them – have them change so that they can love them.
In every moment, we can either choose love or something else — upset, fear, jealousy, frustration. How do you want to live your life? I highly recommend living it from love.
The problem is, most people don’t know how to do that. When something happens, we don’t have the tools to communicate our hurt and our loss to our partners in a way that they can receive it and we don’t know how to let go of the hurts of the past that still haunt us. Sometimes people are holding onto things that happened long ago in the past, sometimes as long as 20 years ago!
Last year we had a couple who came here and their marriage was pretty much over. They had been married for over 12 years, they have 2 beautiful children. They started out really loving each other, but over the years they had grown completely apart with many different interests that seemed incompatible. The sizzle was completely gone and worse, their respect for each other had been eroded by things that had happened in the past.
They actually separated and he had contacted a divorce attorney. In a last ditch effort, he convinced her to come to Sedona to do a couples retreat. Their goals were different — he wanted to save the marriage, she wanted to make the divorce go more smoothly. They were both miserable and unhappy.
In their first couples session, they did both acknowledge how much they had loved each other over the 12 years they had been together. They also identified when things had started to go off the rails, which led to his feelings of inadequacy and her feelings of disrespect toward him.
Then they both did separate emotional clearing sessions. In her session, she realized how she was living out a pattern of her mother disrespecting her father. She came to a huge realization that her mother’s disrespect of her father had triggered feelings of inadequacy within her. This often happens when parents disrespect each other, because children have this innate knowing that their mother is part of them, their father is part of them. So when her mother disrespected her father, she began to (unconsciously) believe there was something wrong with her.
She had never dealt with these feelings of inadequacy. All of that was cleared out, and then her practitioner helped her clear out all the pain and grief she had accumulated over the last few years when the marriage was falling apart. She told me she felt like this huge weight had been lifted.
In his emotional clearing session, he realized that her disrespect of him had triggered his own feelings of “not enough”. In his session, his practitioner dug deep and they discovered an event that had happened with his father. In a moment of frustration and thoughtlessness, his father said to his 6 year old son “you’re worthless”. This had cut deep into him, in a way he never understood until then. He had unconsciously held onto that pain all these years. He experienced a similar release, with lots of crying that he said felt so cleansing. He told me, “I was always taught that men aren’t supposed to cry, but I can’t believe how good that felt, to finally let go of all that”.
Both of them were triggering each other’s unhealed feelings of inadequacy. It’s the ultimate irony, isn’t it? That the person who is “supposed” to love us the most, is actually triggering these deep feelings of not-enoughness? But that’s the nature of relationships. Our deepest relationships trigger our unhealed parts and bring them up for healing. It’s the crucible – burning off the impurities to get to the gold of a healed heart.
Most people don’t understand that this is really what’s happening in our relationships. It’s not so much what the other person is “doing” or “not doing” – the other person is triggering old wounds that are coming up for healing.
But the really amazing part for both of them came in their breath journeys, which they each did separately.
The breath journey took her into the altered state very easily and suddenly she saw her mother (who had passed away many years ago). In that moment, her mother seemed to be the embodiment of love. Her mother communicated her deep love for her and also her deep love for her father. She had this huge realization that “everything is all about love”, there really isn’t anything else that matters. Suddenly, she felt her heart burst open with the deep love for her husband that had always been there, but had just been covered over with the slings and arrows of the past few years. She saw an image of she and her husband walking together in what appeared to be some sort of paradise, blissfully happy.
In his breath work session, he saw lots of images and colors, which intrigued him because he doesn’t think of himself as very visual or very creative. And then suddenly his father was there with him. His father communicated his deep love that he had for his son. He also communicated that his son needed to become more of a man. Not a macho type of manliness, but the man who takes care of his woman and takes care of his family and lets them know he is there for them. He realized he had abdicated this role and that his wife no longer felt cared for by him. He said it was the strangest thing, but that after the session, he actually felt “stronger”.
After these amazing clearings and healings and realizations, they then came together for a couples session. Both of them were so full of love for each other, they were almost bursting. Their marriage was completely restored. Along the way with their other sessions, they received tools for continuing to have all of this continue to go deeper and to maintain, especially through deep and honest communication.
The best part was that after they went home, they continued to use the tools and their love just came through deeper and deeper. They came back again 2 weeks ago to take their relationship to an even deeper level and they’ve never been so happy. They both said the most amazing thing was that some of the same things are still going on as before — their interests are somewhat divergent and there are issues with work. But for both of them, it just doesn’t matter. They’ve taken the other person off the hook. They both feel loved and respected by the other, and that’s the most critical piece for both of them. The smaller issues just don’t seem that important any longer.
I love this so much. It’s so incredible what can happen when we finally release the wounds of the past and move into love. It changes everything.
How is your relationship doing this Valentine’s Day? Is it blissful and fabulous or are you just going through the motions? Are you “going along to get along” or are you happily and deeply in love? Do you feel loved and respected and cherished?
Make the decision to come back into love. The problems that you are facing may actually be the result of wounding from the past, rather than that person who you think is doing things to hurt you.
Connect with us and let’s find out. Let’s find out what’s blocking you from having the relationship of your dreams. It may be something completely different from what you think it is. Whatever it is, we can help you both come back into love within yourselves and with each other.
Connect with one of our Angel Guides. They’ll speak with each of you separately to really get at the heart of what’s going on. Then they’ll design the perfect retreat that will remove the blocks and bring you back into connection.
Click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you. Or if you’d prefer, call us toll free at 1-877-204-3664 (US and Canada). For our friends outside the US and Canada call 01 928-204-5988 or click here and one of our Angel Guides will call you.
Wishing you a week filled with love and an open heart,
Debra Stangl / Founder
Sedona Soul Adventures – Transforming Lives One Soul At A Time
Frank says before their Couples Retreat the “D” word was coming up more and more; after their Couples Retreat, their “relationship is renewed, passionate, and loving.”
“My wife of 12 years (Together for 14) and I have two children ages 4 and 8. Up until about 18 months ago we lived a “fairy-tale” marriage. we played together, laughed together, and enjoyed life together. We thought alike, shared the same dreams and values and it seemed nothing could tear us apart. In short, about a year and a half ago that all suddenly changed. My wife became increasingly introverted and obsessed with metaphysics. I, an earthly, and frankly not so spiritual person, became confused, then upset, and at times very angry. I could not understand what was happening to my wife whom I had shared so much in common with. The connection was deteriorating.
After months of marriage counseling the “D” word was coming up more and more often despite our desperate attempt to put the pieces back together. We never were able to get to the core of what was sending us in different directions.
Our 12 year wedding anniversary was approaching. We have always spent some alone time together for our anniversary. I wanted to do something special for her, and our relationship. I also wanted to do something special for me. I wanted to bring back into our relationship all that had been stripped away. Trust, passion, communication and most importantly the connection. I decided I was willing to learn more about my wife’s new interest, combine that with her learning more about me and blend that together to find that special place all over again. I was searching for something with a spiritual base, designed for a couple like us, in a special setting. I sent my wife the link to Sedona Soul Adventures… she could not believe that it came from me. She was so excited, and so was I.
After our Couples Retreat, our relationship is renewed, passionate, and loving. We are connected more than the day we married back 12 years ago. I learned I do have a spiritual side. I am a spirit having a human experience. My wife is beautiful just the way she is. She now loves her new found ability to communicate. Our communication is better than ever, and our romance is better than ever. Our marriage is safe, and there is no turning back.
Thank you to you and your entire team of loving and talented individuals for all you do. Thank you from me & my wife. Perhaps someday my children will thank you too.”
Frank & Valerie F., Los Angeles, California
Download a free copy of our “Machu Picchu & Mystical Peru” report
Have you received a copy of our “Machu Picchu & Mystical Peru” report? It’s beautiful and gives you all kinds of information and photos of these spectacular places in Peru:
Click here to download your free copy.
And I’d love to have you join me on our next Machu Picchu & Peru trip – it’s June 17-30.
We’ll be at Machu Picchu on the Solstice, doing sacred ceremony with our shaman and guide, Jorge Luis Delgado. It truly is the trip of a lifetime.
For all the information on our amazing day to day Itinerary – Click here
For all the information on pricing – Click here
“If you’re looking for deep and meaningful travel that connects you to other amazing people, takes you way behind the scenes and most important, creates the space for a deep dive into yourself, Debra and Sedona Soul Adventures has it down. Had I attempted to navigate my recent trip to Peru on my own, I’m confident I would have only experienced about 30% of the true magic Peru has to offer. Because the trip was so well organized and our guides were so knowledgeable, we experienced things every day that other travelers, lost on their own or stuffed in a tour bus, never got to see or feel. It was the trip of a lifetime and I am grateful and truly transformed.”
CEO, The Invisible Close
If you have questions, please contact me at:
Debra@SedonaSoulAdventures.com – I love talking about Peru!