The Number That Predicts Divorce
(Article Based in Part on Chapter 11 of Our New Book!)
I want to start with two numbers today, because the gap between them is the whole story.
86 percent. And 33 percent.
Dr. John Gottman is one of the most respected relationship researchers alive, and he discovered something both simple and a little unnerving. All day long, couples make tiny bids for connection toward each other.
A bid is almost nothing. A sigh. A question about your day. Pointing at something in the news. Sharing a silly meme. It looks like small talk.
But underneath, every single one of them is really asking the same hidden question:
Do I matter to you? Will you turn toward me?
You have three options, and you're choosing one constantly.
When your partner makes a bid, Gottman found you can do one of three things. You can Turn Toward, Turn Away, or Turn Against.
Turning Toward means responding with interest, or affection, or just attention. "Oh wow, tell me more about that." That's it. That's the whole move.
Here's what his research found. In thriving marriages, partners turn toward each other's bids 86 percent of the time.
In the relationships that ended in divorce? 33 percent.
The difference is staggering. And notice what it isn't about. It isn't about how much you fight, or how compatible you are, or whether you took the right trip together last year. It's about the smallest, easiest-to-miss moments of the day.
Richard did this for years without knowing it.
I want to tell on my own husband here, because it's such a perfect example.
In the early days of our marriage, Richard had a pattern he was completely unaware of. He'd be in his office, deep in work mode. I'd walk in and ask him something. Sometimes I genuinely needed help. Sometimes I just wanted a moment of connection.
And he would make a noise. A “yip”. Not even turning around to look at me.
He had no idea he was doing it. None. It was automatic. But it hurt me every time, and it left me feeling rejected and unloved, over something he didn't even know was happening. It took him several years to dig deep into his core wounds to find and heal this pattern.
That's a Turn Away. And it wasn't cruelty, or a lack of love. It was simply not knowing that the moment mattered.
Turning toward is not a grand gesture.
That's what I most want you to take from this. Nobody is asking you to plan an elaborate anniversary or write a speech.
Turning Toward is about showing up. Warmly, consistently, with presence. It's how you say with your actions what's hard to say often enough in words:
I see you. You matter to me. I want to nurture you.
Do that 86 percent of the time and the research says you're building something that lasts.
So here's my honest question for you this week:
• When your partner said something small to you yesterday, did you turn toward them, or did you keep looking at your screen?
• And when's the last time you noticed them turning toward you?
That's exactly what we help couples uncover here, with a team of more than 50 Master Practitioners and a retreat that's custom-designed around exactly where the two of you are, In Sedona or At Home. We find what's underneath the turning away, and we heal it, so that connection stops being something you have to remember to do.
Can you imagine feeling like you matter to your partner, in the smallest moments of an ordinary day?
Can you imagine being that for them?
There's no cost or obligation to talk it through with one of our Soul Guides. We're even open on Sunday, because we're here for you.
Tap here to learn more and schedule a consultation with one of our Soul Guides.
High-Vibe Relationship
For a while now, Richard and I have been quietly writing it all down. Everything we've learned about love, about why two good people can drift so far from each other, and about what it actually takes to come back. It's become a book. We're calling it High-Vibe Relationship.
(Gottman's bids for connection, and the full roadmap for conscious conflict? That's Chapter 11.)
Before it goes out into the world, we want to put it in the hands of the people who'll carry it the furthest.
We're calling them the Founding 100.
A small circle of heart-centered people who believe what we believe — that relationships can heal, that families can heal, that love can become conscious and connected again.
As one of the Founding 100, you'll get the e-book early, our "Raise Your Vibration" meditation and tools, private Zoom gatherings with Richard and me, and teachings we won't be releasing anywhere else.
No big following required. No special experience. Just heart, and a real belief in the message.
Want in? Email us at [email protected] and put "INTERESTED: Founding 100" in the subject and we'll send you everything.
- Debra & Richard
Soul Travel
Return to Egypt — Total Solar Eclipse Tour | August 2027
The next time you could do this, it will be the year 2114.
On August 2, 2027, a total solar eclipse will hold the sky dark over the ancient temples of Egypt for up to 6 minutes and 23 seconds. That's the longest total eclipse anyone standing on Earth will witness for the next 87 years. Most eclipses give you two or three minutes. The one that crossed America in 2024? Four and a half, at best. This one lasts more than SIX full minutes… directly above temples that were built, thousands of years ago, to honor the sun.
This one isn't small. For six minutes, in the middle of the day, everything stops and every single person standing there is looking at the same thing. There aren't many moments left in life where that happens.
I've stood inside those temples before, and there's an energy in them I still can't quite put into words. Can you imagine what it would be to be standing in that, as the sky goes dark at midday? And, while standing on our private yacht on the Nile. I already know it's a moment I'll carry for the rest of my life.
We're still putting the final pieces together. If you feel even a flicker of yes, let us know, and we'll send you everything the moment it's ready.
Solar Eclipse Over the Nile | August 2027
Soul Academy
Why We Only Take 15 People
We could fill a room with a hundred people for our breathwork certification. We've been asked why we don't.
Here's the honest answer.
When you're doing deep spiritual work, the last thing you need is to feel like another face in a crowd. Real transformation requires a safe container. It requires intimacy, and trust, and being truly seen.
You cannot manufacture that at scale.
What happens in a small circle.
So we cap it at 15. On purpose. Every year.
And I'll tell you what we watch happen, over and over, without fail.
Fifteen complete strangers arrive on day one. They're polite. A little guarded. Most of them are quietly wondering whether they belong here at all.
By the end, they are family.
They hold space for each other. They witness each other's breakthroughs. They cry at things that happen to someone else in the room. People leave with friendships that outlast the training by years, because you cannot breathe beside someone through the hardest thing they're carrying and walk away strangers.
It also means Gwen actually knows you and you can get to know her.
This is the practical side of keeping it small, and it matters just as much.
In a group of 15, our Master Practitioner Gwen Payne can work with every single person individually. She knows your name, your story, where you get stuck, and what you're afraid of. Your one-on-one mentoring isn't a bonus tacked onto the end. It's woven through the whole thing.
You are not a seat number in a room. You're a person she's actively walking alongside.
That's the difference between a certificate and a transformation.
Become a Certified Breathwork Facilitator │ September 13–18
It begins with 6 immersive days here in Sedona, September 13–18, followed by 9 live online workshops over 5 months,
Most certification programs out there take up to two years. You can be fully certified in less than 5 months. And here's my favorite part: we have almost 9,000 Soul Adventures grads constantly asking us to help them find a breathwork practitioner near them. When you're certified, we tell the grads in your area about YOU.
Those 15 seats are the only ones we have this year.
Inner Journey Breathwork Certification Program
September 13-18 Retreat + Online Training
Did You Know?
Sedona Soul Adventures was named:
- “Best of Sedona” for Retreats for 2020–2026
- “Best Marriage Retreats in the US” 2015–2026
- One of the “11 Best Couples Retreats Around the World” by Bride's Magazine
- One of Global Radiance Review’s “20 Most Trustworthy Companies”
- “Ten Best Companies of the Year for 2025” by CEO Views
Because what we do gets results.
Whether you’re struggling in your relationship, feeling lost in life, overwhelmed with anxiety, grieving a loss, or simply longing to reconnect with yourself again… we are here for you.
There is no cost or obligation to speak with one of our Soul Guides.
We will listen deeply, understand what’s happening, and custom design the perfect retreat experience for exactly where you are.
Call us at (928) 204-5988 or request a call today.
That's all for this week!
Wishing you a week filled with turning toward each other!