Happy Mother’s Day to all of you incredible mothers out there. Because just by the very act of being a mother, you are incredible!
Mother’s Day has always been bittersweet for me for so long – since I was in my twenties. My mother got sick with cancer when I was 21 and she died five years later, when she was only 51. Starting when I was 21, the thought was, “Oh my God, is this going to be the last Mother’s day I have with her?” And for every year after that, the thought has always been, “Oh my God, I miss my mother so much.” Even after all these years, it’s been over forty years now.
It's also bittersweet because I always assumed the entire time I was growing up and in my twenties and thirties, that I would be a Mother. It was just taken for granted. I grew up in a huge family; my Grandmother Stangl had 20 children, my dad was #19 (she was the Catholic Mother of the Year in 1964!); my mother came from a family of 14 – all this good, German Catholic stock from the farmlands of Iowa.
My parents had six children and I grew up with loads of aunts, uncles, and cousins, so I just always assumed I would be adding to the gene pool like everyone else in my family. But that’s not what happened.
I made a final conscious decision when I was 39 to not have children. I had just gotten married (the marriage would last 20 years) and we both made the very conscious decision that at this point, we did not want to have children. We both had tons of nieces and nephews that we were (and are) very close to and we didn’t want to be 50 when they were only ten.
And as I look back on that decision, I see now why it happened the way that it did – I would never have been able to leave my law practice in 1999 and eventually do my life’s work with Sedona Soul Adventures. It would have been impossible – I would have been in the process of putting children through college and probably graduate school, and it just would not have allowed me at age fifty to just walk away from my law practice, have a three year hiatus of not working (so I could do my own personal healing), and spend the first four years of Sedona Soul Adventures making absolutely no profit (actually losing money). It’s so interesting when we look back to see how the twists and turns of life takes us.
Each Mother’s Day I feel a little jealous of people who still have their Mothers and who have been able to have them throughout their adult life. Who got to experience their Mother as a Grandmother. What a gift!
Our Mothers shape us in such incredible ways and in so many ways. I loved my Mother so much, and I know she loved me, but she only told me “I love you” one time during my entire life (when she was ill). As I recount in my book, “The Journey To Happy,” it was so unfamiliar that after I got off the phone, I started crying. I’ve found out since then that she only said “I love you” to our oldest brother, and never to the other four children. So sad.
She just wasn’t equipped for it. Her own upbringing had been very difficult (her father lost everything in the Great Depression) and there were no demonstrations of affection in her family.
I believe my Mother and I both shared a deep need for that affection and that connection, and I really wish she was here so I could talk to her about that. I think it would be a fascinating conversation. I’ve done so many sessions over the years to heal that wound, but it’s interesting how Mother’s Day is still bittersweet for me, even after all these years.
I hope you have a fabulous Mother’s Day! I hope that your relationship with your Mother (or with your children or grandchildren) has been loving and fruitful and perfect. I just don’t meet very many people who have had that or are having that. Another thing that is so sad for me.
These are wounds that go in deep. If these are wounds that you’ve experienced and you're dealing with grief on this day, know that you're not alone – and you don't have to go through it alone. Please connect with us, we can help.
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